Neurodivergent Self-Compassion: "By Healing My Present, I Could Heal My Past"
This week’s episode is so meaningful to me — it’s with my friend Jewel Mondros, who has helped me so much with navigating my own challenges as a highly sensitive neurodivergent person.
Jewel is an energy expert, intuitive healer, and entrepreneur. Today she loves how her ADHD is a part of who she is, but it wasn’t always that way.
I’ll be honest: it felt vulnerable to share our thoughts in this episode. But I know so many of us have felt this way and it’s so important to know that we’re not alone.
Melissa: I'm excited for everyone to get a glimpse into your world and the things you do that really make a difference in my healing journey.
The current research out there around neurodiversity focuses a lot on the tangible ways we can show up for ourselves — which I love — and I think there’s another piece to it.
There’s this trauma, quite frankly, we’ve taken on from moving through this world differently. And what’s really made a difference for me is learning how to love and accept myself. Healing myself from the inside out; mind, body, and spirit.
Jewel: To truly feel different. To be so happy with who you are, and so confident in what you can do and who you be.
Melissa: Exactly. It's like, I feel like when someone says, go love yourself, accept yourself. It's kind of like, okay, great. How? You know?
Jewel: I mean, I can say I definitely came from a place of actually hating myself to, like, truly just loving who I am and who I get to be.
So I know that, for anyone struggling like I was, it's so possible.
Melissa: So then how have you found that your neuro wiring has actually helped you in your life?
Jewel: The first thing that comes up is how our brains naturally work different. So I feel like my creativity really comes from my ADHD. And also my entrepreneurial spirit as well. Something that I read lately is that people with ADHD are very open to taking risks. I love that about myself so much and it’s really contributed to my success.
If you had asked me 10 years ago, do I love this about myself? I would have said no.
I'm learning that having practices that support myself has been the biggest game changer. My whole life is kind of geared around my rituals, my routines that I actually really enjoy. And that gives me the energy, focus, and clarity I need. That's been the biggest shift.
“I think this is a common characteristic for many neurodivergent people: we can be really hard on ourselves.
When I treat myself in a softer, gentler, more self loving and accepting way, I notice I’m more productive. Whereas when it’s this harsh, judgmental, critical energy, that’s what keeps me in that paralysis procrastination.
It’s funny because I think that inner critic is what’s going to get me moving. But it’s the opposite. When I give myself more space and I’m nicer to myself, I actually want to do the things and I’m more productive. It’s like seems counterintuitive, but it’s so powerful.”
Boundaries and Self-Love
Melissa: I know that as part of your morning routine you wait at least 45 minutes before checking your phone. I wanted to talk about that because sometimes I struggle with setting boundaries like that with myself.
And whether it’s around my devices or with practices around moving my body or around my meditation, I can really feel it when I’m not showing up for myself in that way.
It’s like all of a sudden I'm not depositing into myself and then all of my symptoms with ADHD and anxiety are heightened. My reserve is so depleted and then I'll be frantically like, Oh my gosh, I've got to do all my practices.
I just know how much it supports me if I'm actually doing the things from a proactive place rather than a reactive response.
Jewel: Yes, and I think this is exactly how you navigate it. You're saying all this without any shame, which I think is beautiful.
It's being like, ‘this is reality’ and then you can accept it and be compassionate towards yourself and it's not a big deal because you don't have any attachment to it.
You're like, I'm witnessing this, I would like to shift that, and then giving yourself permission just to go for it.
Melissa: It’s that self love, which is something you've really helped me with. Being kinder to myself.
Melissa: It's all the little reframes that have shifted me to ‘I'm lovingly going to prioritize that tomorrow’ versus ‘you're a horrible person because you didn't do the things on your list.’
“We can change the past by changing our present. We can heal our present by giving ourselves so much kindness, love, and compassion for that time in the past where we think we showed up in the wrong way. And even if we don’t understand why we showed up that way yet, we trust we’ll understand in the future.”
Jewel: That’s why something I always do before my sessions, before calls, before this podcast, before classes, is to set the intention that my higher self is here with me.
It's this feeling that all of my energy is working with me.
And what happens is I become clued into what’s inside of me, how it’s supporting me or maybe holding me back in certain ways.
Melissa: It's grounding, you know, because our minds are so busy and we have all these things that can distract us from who we really are in our essence.
Our Kids Pick Up On How We Show Up For Ourselves
Jewel: Kids can feel our energy too. They pick up on times when we’re so okay with who we are. And I don’t mean from a place of dismissing what happened, but of like, I fully accept myself and I've forgiven myself.
I just feel all that in my heart.
Melissa: What it does for them too, it's like it allows them to see that we're all humans and are all going to make mistakes. None of us are going to get it perfect. So then it's like, if my energy is modeling that, I know how to go back, apologize, release, and show up differently.
And our kids can understand that when they make mistakes, they don't have to hold on to this pattern of being perfect and beating themselves up. It’s so permission-giving for them.
Jewel: So powerful. It shows them they can acknowledge their mistakes and fully let it go.
There's no shame. You just learn that you can come back to that moment and build on it.
Melissa: Yes, I love this. It's about feeling that uncomfortable feeling that we all want to run away from. But then actually letting ourselves feel it and seeing what’s true about our thoughts. That’s been hard for me.
How We Can Shift Our Internal Monologues
“Our thoughts really do create our reality. Not because we are our thoughts, but because we take action on our thoughts.”
Melissa: Our internal monologue dictates so much about how we experience the world.
If we can shift that dialogue within ourselves, we could harness our biggest challenges as our biggest strengths as long as we begin to see it that way.
Once we change the story inside, our outside world starts to reflect that.
Jewel: A hundred percent. I had chills as you were talking. Like, it really is the core of it, building a really empowered self concept.
Human Design Can Help Us Understand How To Take Care of Ourselves
Melissa: I really wanted to make sure we talked about human design today too. Because I'm obsessed with how much it's helped me in my life.
For me it’s been all about understanding how we're uniquely designed to be doing things rather than setting this expectation that everyone does things the same way.
Jewel: So powerful for helping us build our self-confidence.
What human design teaches us is that people have energy types; we manage our energy differently than someone who’s a different energy type than us.
Some people are ‘generators’, meaning they have unlimited energy if they're doing what they love.
I’m a ‘projector’, my energy comes from my surroundings. So I need very different things than a generator would. I need more rest, more alone time, more recovery.
Learning that piece alone gave me so much permission not to be just like everyone else. And over time I’ve seen a major shift in the way I can take care of myself.
Melissa: It helped me understand the people in my life too.
Like, okay, I'm comparing myself to a friend who's a completely different energy type. Rather than thinking I should be this certain way that she is, it helped me see why that way works best for her and why a different way works best for me.
Jewel: It's crazy how we live certain ways that just don't feel good to us. And we don't even realize there’s another way, or we just think we need the permission to live another way.
More Resources Mentioned in the Episode
The human design chart: the app and website I refer to for human design charts is My Human Design with Jenna Zoe (myHumanDesign).
And here's my Co-Regulate With Your Child video series I mentioned at the end of the show for managing big feelings and sharing your calm. (Free video series).
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Still curious about anything we mentioned today? I'd love to hear what's on your mind.
It's really a dream come true to have a platform to discuss these issues that are so near and dear to my heart with you. And I'm just so grateful that you're here with me today and ready to support each other on our journeys.
