Emotional Regulation Skills for Parents of Neurodivergent Children
Emily Hamblin, joined me on the Reframing Neurodiversity podcast this week to discuss the challenges of emotional regulation in parenting.
Emily – a parent coach, former teacher, and neurodivergent mother of four – emphasizes the importance of breaking free from autopilot parenting, practicing self-compassion, and emotional self-care. We also covered the significance of emotional intelligence for neurodivergent children and the need to normalize emotions.
She shares her personal experiences and provides practical tips for parents, highlighting the importance of a supportive community and a growth mindset.
Melissa: Today I really wanted to talk to you about emotional regulation. For many of our listeners, myself included, it can be challenging as a parent when we aren't given the tools on how to regulate our emotions and show up for our kids. Or perhaps the tools weren't modeled for us growing up. How do you help families navigate that terrain?
Emily: I feel like a lot of us at some point in our parenting journey have to stop and think: do I want to keep running on autopilot? Because that's what we tend to do – we're humans, we're going to go on autopilot, we're going to just run with that subconscious.
So do I want to keep running on autopilot? Or do I want to stop and reconsider if there are things that I want to change in my parenting? When we're talking about breaking cycles, there's almost a spectrum of what we could talk about.
There might be someone that was in a very abusive home. And so, of course, they know that they don't want to repeat that
There might be someone whose parents were absent. So they didn't really have a lot of the emotional skills modeled in the home because their parents weren't really around, Or when their parents were home, they just weren't really involved in their child's life
We also have an in between: an emotionally dysregulated household, which is what I grew up in
Looking back, I'm pretty sure every single family member in my household had ADHD, although only two were diagnosed. That does give me more compassion for all of the intense emotional dysregulation that we had in that home, but because of that upbringing I’ve realized I'm not parenting the way that I want to.
I was getting dysregulated on the drop of a dime. I didn't understand my own neurodivergence. I didn't understand theirs. I just knew that it wasn't the home environment that I wanted to create. And that if change was going to happen, I had to choose that change. It wasn't just going to happen on its own.
Melissa: Something that stuck out for me there was realizing now as an adult how many people within your household were undiagnosed ADHD. I feel like in that generation there just wasn't the awareness, right? People weren't out there getting assessments and there just wasn't the knowledge.
People didn’t necessarily know about the challenges with emotional regulation and having more sensitive nervous systems. So in a way it makes sense that so many of us grew up in homes that weren't emotionally healthy, because if we don't have the tools and we're just reacting to things, it's not going to be pretty.
Do you have more compassion now as an adult looking back and understanding where some of that dysregulation might have been coming from?
Emily: Oh, absolutely. I know as a child that I was pretty bitter and upset, and I was certain I would not yell at my kids when I was a parent. Unless it was an emergency like they're running into the street and I need to yell to get them to stop. I was so sure that was going to be the case.
And then I became a parent, and that wasn't the case.
I was yelling at them because they weren't coming to the table fast enough, because they wouldn't stop playing to get their shoes on, because they were ignoring me. That was a huge trigger if I felt ignored.
And, it was really difficult for me to stop and realize it might not be the same level of emotional dysregulation that I grew up with, but I’m repeating this pattern. I'm repeating that cycle and I don't want to. How do I stop this?
Now I know that everyone was actually doing their best, they just didn't have the tools to do anything differently than what they did. So I’m understanding now for myself: I'm doing my best, maybe I don't have the tools yet, but I'm going to figure them out.
Going through that journey is why I do what I do now, because I needed to find something that worked for me, my neurodivergent brain, and my children. We needed a different approach and tools to match where we were at with our uniquely wired brains. It’s been totally life changing for our family.
Melissa: Oh, I can imagine. It seems like stepping away from autopilot is the initial step. Because when we're on autopilot, those triggers and the things that we're repeating that we swore we'd never do… they just happen.
It's that nervous system bodily response. That's the trauma stored in our bodies, it’s not a conscious decision to start yelling. It's just a reaction because we're triggered and it's what we saw when we were growing up.
What else do you typically share with your families about leaning into being more self aware? So they can show up for their kids in the ways they want to and not the ways their body is reacting?
Emily: The first most crucial step is that we need to be aware of it. And I really, really encourage every client that I ever work with, that we're aware with self compassion, not with guilt or shame. Guilt and shame do not want us to make progress. And they add to our stress load. They deplete us.
It's our body budget, and it makes it more likely that we're going to be emotionally dysregulated if we're operating on shame and guilt.
Melissa: I think self compassion is such a critical piece that we can't skip over, but it's so easy to skip over, right? It’s like: I've got the manual for what to do, but when that harsh inner self critic comes in it can level everything.
Can you tell us some more about our what our body budget is?
Emily: I got this idea of the body budget from Mona Delahooke. She coins this phrase from neuroscience: “our body has a budget.” Everything we do is either adding to it or depleting it:
The things we do
The thoughts we entertain
The choices we make
The sensory input we receive
So if we're entertaining thoughts like “I'm a horrible mom, of course I did that wrong, I'm always doing things wrong,” it literally sends signals to our nervous system that something's wrong. That increases the stress hormones in our bodies and depletes our body budget.
When our body budget is really low and our stress level is really high, that's when we're more likely to snap at our children.
But it’s possible for us to do the work to recognize we don't have to believe or entertain those kinds of thoughts. They might be there, but we don't have to give them the limelight when instead we can replace them with thoughts of self compassion.
So it's not: “That was horrible. I screamed at my kids again.” But rather, “I screamed at my kids again. Yes, that was horrible. And what now?” We want to keep moving forward. I still love myself because I'm trying and I'm here and I'm showing up and I'm putting in the effort and I will never be perfect and that's okay. Because I'm working on modeling for my children what imperfect people do when they make mistakes.
Melissa: That really helps also reframe self-care too. It’s thrown out so often like getting a manicure and pedicure or a bubble bath, which are all lovely forms of self care, but this is more of the emotional self care.
Even if we're taking a bath every night, if all day we're bombarding ourselves with all the things we're doing wrong we're still going to be depleted and not be able to show up in the way that we desire.
So what you’re saying is that self-talk is actually a form of self-care?
Emily: Oh, absolutely. I'm not a manicure kind of gal so I don't really get them often, but I do self care all day long when those negative thoughts come up.
Melissa: The messages that we and generations before us have received around motherhood was that it wasn't okay to care for yourself in that way. Everybody else's needs came first, you would never take the time to give yourself the self care that you need.
So I think it's really this amazing reframe: previous generations saw some self care as being selfish. And what we’re saying is that doing these things for ourselves as parents allows us to show up and hold space in a more compassionate, loving, connected way with our kids.
I’m sure we have parents who are listening who are like, I am homeschooling, I have four kids, and I'm exhausted. Give me something tangible I can do.
What self-care methods do you suggest to people who may feel too busy or exhausted to do anything?
Emily: It could be really simple things. A lot of the input we receive is sensory based: we have our eight senses, the typical five that we learn in school. Then we have vestibular (balance and posture), proprioception (knowing where your body is in space), and interoception (knowing feelings in your body, like hunger or tiredness). If we think of ways we feel personally replenished from those eight senses, we can sprinkle those throughout our day.
If we really enjoy the sense of smell, we can have an essential oils diffuser going
I really love soft things, so for the sense of touch sometimes I’ll wear fuzzy socks or put on a really soft shirt or buy myself a silky blanket
Or if you enjoy visual things, then get a little decoration from the dollar store and put it on your front door
I know that that sounds silly, but sometimes it makes me so happy just to see this new thing on my front door. Little things like that throughout the whole day can help to continually boost up our body budget.
Melissa: I love this. It makes me realize I do a lot of these things intuitively without really realizing it, which I think is a good reminder that our bodies know what we desire.
Can you tell me a bit about why it's so important to talk to our neurodivergent kids about emotional intelligence?
Emily: Emotional intelligence is this idea of being able to understand our emotions and the emotions in others. It’s also about understanding the effects those emotions have on our own body, mind, and actions. Plus recognizing the same effects that our emotions might have on others without taking ownership for others feelings.
It's a fine line: I know as a mom that my children can choose to be angry on their own, but I also know when I'm showing up angry, it's more likely that they're going to get angry.
So it’s okay for me to think I’m going to get angry, but now I need to think about what I’m going to do with that anger. What are some healthy ways to handle my anger and model that for my kids? Then they see mom's handling her anger in an appropriate way that's not hurting anyone. And then later on in their lives, that's a tool that's been modeled for them.
Our neurodivergent children actually need us to be even more specific with them. Ask them, what does anger feel like in your body? Where do you feel your anger? Depending on the age, I'll get silly. Like, do you feel it in your fingernails? Do you feel it in your kneecap? And we all actually feel it differently in our bodies. That's the interoceptive sense.
So it’s all about how we can develop these emotions and have really healthy ways to handle them, because we can't avoid them.
Melissa: Emotions are part of the human experience and it doesn’t have to be good or bad. And I think the more that you are talking about these things it's really allowing kids to see their emotions are okay. They don't have to be ashamed or keep them bottled up and then have these big reactions, which is the dysregulated way of living.
Can you tell us more about your strengths-based approach to emotional regulation?
Emily: When I talk to kids about their ADHD or autism or OCD or anxiety, I bring up the strengths-based approach. So I’ll say something like:
“Your ADHD is amazing and it has all of these wonderful things about it. It has an ability to feel an emotion very deeply. And that's so great. Do you notice that when you and I get excited, we get like, way excited, right? That's one of our ADHD superpowers. We feel excitement. We feel happiness. We feel it so deeply and that is amazing. Sometimes it can be a little tricky when we're a little frustrated over something small but then we feel a lot of frustration.” And we talk about having a plan for what to do before we get to that point.
Melissa: Had our parents and our parents’ parents been having these conversations, we wouldn't have grown up in the environments that we did. You’re truly breaking these cycles that are just passed down for generations. You’re normalizing these feelings, providing them with tools, and giving them the understanding of their neurowiring and its strengths and weaknesses.
Do you have any tips for when we find ourselves slipping back into old habits?
Emily: I really suggest to every person who’s trying to break these generational cycles that they get a supportive community. Or even just one other person who you can really have a connection with who gets what it's like to be a neurodivergent parent or raise neurodivergent children.
So when you find yourself slipping back into old patterns you can reach out to them. We're not supposed to do this alone. Studies show when you’re feeling stressed and you reach out, that alone reduces your stress level.
And then also, it's really important to be transparent with our own children. This was me pretty recently actually. After a rough dinnertime I went to my kids the next day and told them how I was really grumpy and that it wasn’t the way I want to parent. I told them I was sorry and it wasn’t their fault.
I can't control everything that goes on in my family. But as a minimum, I can control how I'm going to help you.
More Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Connect with Emily! She’s @enlighteningmotherhood on Instagram.
Click here to automatically receive 50% off your first month of Emily's membership: Emotionally Intelligent Kids (Code: NDADVOCATE)
Tune into Emily’s Podcast, Enlightening Motherhood, and our interview together: Beyond Labels: The Impact of 'Disability vs. Difference' Language on Neurodiversity
And here's my Co-Regulate With Your Child video series I mentioned at the end of the show for managing big feelings and sharing your calm.
Still curious about anything we mentioned today? I'd love to hear what's on your mind.
It's really a dream come true to have a platform to discuss these issues that are so near and dear to my heart with you. And I'm just so grateful that you're here with me today and ready to support each other on our journeys.
